Hello, my beloved blog readers.
I know I typically do this kind of an update post around the end of the year to catch you up on what I've been doing, as well as preview what's on my plate for the upcoming year.
As you already know, I've been posting very inconsistently for some time now and while I was hoping to do at least one post a month at a minimum, I haven't kept to that promise. I truly appreciate those of you who haven't abandoned Modeling 101 - A Model's Diary and continue to subscribe and read/re-read past posts while waiting for new content.
I'm doing this particular post because I feel I owe it to you...not because I feel obligated but because I genuinely love my blog and I love my readers and you deserve the best because that's what you've always given to me. 2019 has been a rocky one for me personally and it started around the month of March when I last posted.
I'm sharing this side of myself because I feel it is important to showcase that no matter the obstacles, my passions (i.e. modeling, acting, hosting, pageants, coaching, emailing you guys, etc.) have always been what's kept me charging forward in addition to my amazing support system.
I lost my father recently to pancreatic cancer. It was unexpected and while he had been ill for a few months off and on, there were no immediate symptoms that it was anything cancer-related. One day he would be in bed sick as a dog and the next day he'd be up and about. But once his health started to decline more--we chalked it up to his age and the fact that he didn't lead a healthy lifestyle at all because he was a stubborn old goat and a long time smoker--I took on the role of being his caregiver: helping him get dressed, organizing his meds and making sure he took them, feeding him, assisting him with getting around the house, etc. Eventually, he took a turn for the worst and I rushed him to the ER.
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on a Friday and he passed early that following Saturday morning. To say my world was turned upside down is an understatement. As with many father/daughter relationships, we were extremely close, despite the ups and downs that come with the growing pains of becoming an adult and the new territory that brings for dads watching their daughters go out into the world. But I loved him through it all.
I disappeared for a while from everything and everyone, especially social media. My friends and family understood and I was thankful for the space. I've suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but I've managed to deal with it through the amazing guidance of my therapist and my passions mentioned earlier in this post. But this is, by far, the biggest trauma I've faced and I've let myself go through all the emotions--many of which I'm still experiencing and I imagine will continue to experience for the rest of my life.
However, the world doesn't put itself on pause because of tragedy so I've been slowly but surely allowing myself to join the rest of the world these past few weeks. I haven't been in the best place mentally or emotionally but there have been good things happening for me in other aspects of my life despite the circumstances, plus the love and support I've received, and that's helped me manage the bad days and become even more grateful/appreciative for the good days.
In recent weeks, I've randomly received some of the most touching and wonderful comments on my blog posts, as well as emails from you guys and it instantly reminded me of my purpose. I've often been referred to as a "role model" and while the title is extremely flattering, I don't always feel comfortable embracing it. The last thing I want is praise for something that I feel everyone should be doing: inspiring, encouraging and providing the means and opportunities for others to reach their goals and live their best lives.
Since losing my dad, the connection I feel with my blog readers, those I mentor/coach and even people I interact with on a regular basis has so much more meaning for me. I am not ashamed to admit that I go to therapy, that I struggle with depression, anxiety and now the grief and trauma that comes with losing someone you loved very much. I know I am not the only person to ever experience these things and life won't be cookie-cutter perfect moving forward.
I'm sharing this personal side with you, my blog readers, because just as you've let me inspire, encourage and motivate you as it relates to modeling, I hope this post will further positively impact those of you going through similar experiences and help you feel less alone and isolated. If this resonates with even one person, that's when I'll really feel like a true "role model."
I've always said nothing is perfect, unless it's in Photoshop and that goes for real life as well as being a model in the industry. I'm not asking for sympathy or pep talks about how time will heal things and all the kind words that come with losing someone...I simply want to let those of you who can relate to anything I've written know that everything you're feeling is natural. And it really is going to be okay but only if you let it be so when you're ready to move forward.
Strive to find happiness and identify what makes you smile.
Take a risk and--more importantly--take a chance on yourself because that's when we feel the most alive, regardless of the outcome.
Never be afraid to ask for help and don't fear being judged.
The people left standing with you when the dust settles are the ones you have to keep close to your heart and in your life. Always.
Let yourself have a bad day because it isn't normal or healthy to always feel like you have to be okay 24/7.
Don't rely/depend on anyone or anything to bring you joy. At the end of the day, that's your responsibility.
Anyone who brings negativity, judgement and toxicity into your life can go kick rocks. Big rocks.
Push through the dark and claw your way through everything until you see the light at the end that will bring you the joy you know you deserve, the goals you know you're capable of achieving and the kind of life you can look back on years from now and be proud of.
While you've gotten to know me through my career in the industry, many of you have shared some of the most personal moments in your lives with me and I felt it was time to reciprocate and do the same.
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