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Thursday, March 1, 2007

Being Insecure


I am insecure. Even when my model persona is turned on, there is always a bit of worry that runs through my head. Based off of this blog, my photos and other things you've come to know about me, I'm sure you're thinking, "Yeah, right. What do you have to be insecure about?" A lot, actually.

I believe in being real and down-to-earth. I know what my faults and my flaws are and I would never try to pretend that I was perfect or better than anyone else. I want to be a model who others can look to and know that I can relate to what they are going through and that I'm not some untouchable or unapproachable person.

I know there are a score of girls and young ladies out there who don't like what they see in the mirror. So to bring myself down a notch and really let you in on who I am, I've decided to share my insecurities with you...

I have eczema. This skin condition used to be pretty unknown but now has grown to become fairly common. And, no, I'm not one of the lucky ones who got it at birth and had it just "go away on its own". I got it genetically from my father and I will pass it onto my children. That part scares me the most. I grew up with white spots on my arms (given my complexion, it was really noticeable), rashes, flaky skin and other irritating symptoms. As I got older, I envied girls who had smooth, beautiful skin.

Anytime I scratched a little too hard, it left a scar and healed darker than the rest of my skin. Eventually, I learned how to take care of my skin and how to manage my breakouts. I maintained a better diet and now my skin is the best it's been in a long time but that doesn't mean that I'm in the clear. Even now, I will continue to get eczema rashes and scaly skin, which migrates all over my body depending on the change in seasons.

Another insecurity I have is that I have stretch marks. Oh, big deal, right? I have them all over my butt! And I have a nice backside, too, so I'm always horrified to appear in public with anything showing a little bit of my behind. I favor boyshorts but even then you can see them. It's plagued me for years and no creams or lotions will work--trust me, I've tried! I thought about doing the laser thing but from my research, it isn't 100% positive results. Oh, well.

Insecurity number 3--and probably my worst one of all--my smile. I never wore braces and my teeth aren't terrible, but they are a little too spaced out on one side, compared to the other. My two front teeth are a tad on the big side and I've gotten negative comments on them before. On top of that, I have a really "gummy" smile. If I smile really big, my upper lip flies up, revealing more gums than I care to show. To offset this, I've spent years practicing different smiles that show more of my teeth than my gums. I can now do these smiles in my sleep.

So how do I get over these insecurities? I don't. I accept them for what they are and I refuse to let them overtake me. It took a long time of staring at myself in the mirror and going over each and every part of my face and body. Every morning I smiled at myself, gums and all, and pretty soon, all the flaws seemed to not matter.

I continued to model and take good photos and push those negative thoughts to the back of my mind. For the people who made fun of my flaws--and still do--while it hurts at first, I automatically thank them in my head because if people hate on you, that means they're paying attention to you. *wink*

One thing I've never been insecure about is my height, so if you are, you won't get any sympathy from me because if you've really been reading my blogs, you'll know that you should never let something such as height, restrict you in what you want to do...especially when it comes to modeling.

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